Veronica’s story: Finding hope after loss
Sensitive content warning: mentions of baby loss
Half of all adults in the UK said they, or someone they know, has experienced at least one form of pregnancy or baby loss.
At the Trust, our Healing Experience of Loss and Trauma Service (Helix), supports women and birthing people who live in Croydon, Lambeth, Lewisham and Southwark who are experiencing emotional distress of mental health difficulties after loss.
The service is made up of psychologists, psychological therapists, midwives and peer support workers. It helps to improve mental health and wellbeing for people and their family through a wide range of support.
Veronica Finn is an Expert by Experience Co-Ordinator at the Helix service. To mark Baby Loss Awareness Week, Veronica has kindly shared her story and how she found hope after the loss of baby Libby.
Veronica’s story
At 36 weeks pregnant with her second child, Veronica started to experience out of the ordinary symptoms and extreme amounts of pain.
“She was such an active baby and would always sleep through the night. She would’ve been a dream. I remember feeling a really strong kick from her, it was so strong she hit into my husbands back and he felt it. That was the last feeling I had of her and it’s something I’ll always cherish,” said Veronica.
After calling for her family, Veronica was taken to the hospital where the situation suddenly turned critical. She had a severe concealed placental abruption meaning her placenta had torn away from her uterus and caused internal bleeding. She started to bleed from her eyes, ears and mouth and said she felt like she “was going to explode.”
Despite best efforts, Libby sadly passed away from the complications and Veronica was rushed into an emergency surgery as all her organs began to shut down. The consultants warned it was likely she would need a hysterectomy but despite all the odds, she survived, uterus intact.
After the complications, Veronica was taken to a ward for recovery, daily checks and intensive support.
Veronica said: “I remember on the third night in hospital, that’s when it actually hit me. She had died. I screamed, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. I didn’t know what to do or how to continue. When you lose a child, you have to try and find yourself again. You don’t know who are you because your whole world has changed.”
Finding hope after loss with rainbow baby Ruby
Veronica was told to give her the best chances in the future she needed to give herself at least two years to recover.
Five months after Libby’s passing, she unexpectedly found out she was pregnant with Ruby, her rainbow baby.
“Ruby was born in the same month just 17 days after the year anniversary of Libby. My consultant, Dr Jolaso, wanted to push me to November to ensure I had something happy in the same month to celebrate which I will always thank him for. Ruby was born prematurely so was in NICU for the first month of her life,” said Veronica.
“I don’t want this to be a sad story. In the darkest moments you really can’t see things getting better. You can’t imagine how you could love another child, be pregnant with another child or be a good mum either to the children you already have or children in the future. The grief is so all consuming but there is always hope.
I like to think Libby would be proud of the journey we went on to get to where we are today. It’s taken a lot of healing and a lot of work on myself but I’m in a place where I can connect with and support people who are experiencing what I went through.”
Using lived experience to support other women
Veronica feels that her role has helped her to heal even further than she thought possible. Having exposure to what women can access in terms of support and therapy has helped Veronica and fuels her passion for her role.
Working to support other women in similar situations has reminded Veronica that you are allowed happiness, you don’t need to feel any embarrassment and it’s okay to celebrate the child you have lost.
She said: “I can connect with a lot of women who have lost their children because I’ve been through it. I know how that feels so I can talk to them about the embarrassment, the awkward conversations or just how they feel daily and that makes someone feel better.
When you know that you’ve connected with someone, they can open up and all of a sudden, all their emotions can come out, unfiltered, that’s rewarding for me. If I can make someone’s day that little bit more hopeful in their darkest moment, then I’ve done my job right.”
Advice and support for anyone in a similar situation
For many families, the loss of a baby can bring up complex and difficult emotions, adding to what is already a very difficult period of grief and acceptance.
Every person will heal in their own unique way. The death of a baby can be a huge shock with a huge impact on daily life. For some, it may be tempting to put feeling on hold to support those around them but looking after your emotional wellbeing must be a priority.
Veronica concluded with some advice to anyone going through these difficult emotions. She said: “Just give yourself the time. Don’t feel guilty for the emotions that you feel. Everything you are feeling is completely valid because that is your child and you are allowed to love that child in whatever way feels right for you.”
Watch the full video
Resources
Find out more about the Helix team and what support they can offer: Service Detail - South London and Maudsley
The team offer a wide range of psychoeducation to support your mental health. These can be found under the “Resources” tab on the service page.
If you are facing a mental health crisis, support is available. Find out more: How to get help in a mental health crisis